I’m wise enough to know that although I desire marriage, I choose love.
I’ve worn two engagement rings in the past ten years, so I could have had a husband a long time ago, or even recently, had I prioritized marriage over love. But I decided that I would like marriage to be a lifetime love, and not feeling as if love constituted the entire makeup of those relationships, I opted out. There was care, for sure. There was affection, true. But the commitment to be honest, open, and dedicated to the spiritual and personal growth of the other was lacking in both.
I am going to continue choosing love, and right now that love will be focused inward. I don’t know when that will change, and I’m not closed to chance encounters with interested gentlemen, but I think I’m single for this season, for a reason. I trust that I can/will have love in the context of a marriage when the time is right, if that is God’s will for me. That isn’t what this present moment offers me. It offers me another opportunity to give 100% of my attention to myself, and even in the discomfort of that, I welcome the growth that will come from it.
Sometimes I feel bored. Sometimes I feel lonely. Sometimes I feel sad. Sometimes I feel angry. Sometimes I feel restless. Sometimes I feel confused. These are feelings I have been avoiding like the plague in my adult life, and to confront them is not easy for me. But I need it.
Sometimes I feel content. Sometimes I feel at peace. Sometimes I feel joy. I welcome these feelings every time they show up, and I look forward to the moment when they are more pervasive and long-lasting. As for now, I am where I am. It is what it is. And what it is, is love.
- Candice Nicole
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